February 15, 2012

Hitting the wall and making it through

Why is it on our weight loss journey we have to experience such a difficult time with so many emotions? I watch it every season on The Biggest Loser, where contestants hit a wall and then suddenly break down with emotional pain and make a huge break through, but I suppose I thought I’d already done that. So, when that wall hit, and then the pain, and now the break through came I was not in any way ready for the turmoil it would bring on.

My wall came on when I had only a -2 for last week’s weigh in, and I just couldn’t get past the disappointment. Then, I began to make poor food choices, not completely abandoning my diet, but just didn’t think clearly about what I was eating entirely. Two days like this, and then birthday cake hit me hard! Yes, birthday cake was my ending point in poor choices. I completely fell to the temptation of frosting and fluffy goodness. Doubt and guilt began to creep in to my thoughts, taking over my ability to think clearly, communicate, and even process my feelings. The lack of self-control I had made me feel incapable of success, that I could not accomplish my goals anymore. I then, for the first time, had negative reactions and attitudes while in a church bible study, and knew that I was overcome with evil trying to break me down! I finally had to cry really hard, realize what was going on with me and after about a day of facing the emotions head on I got myself back into the gym and began to work off the heavy burden I had felt for 4 days (and the extra calories).

So, why did the wall come up in the first place? It’s hard to explain when we will hit a wall of frustration and lack of focus, but it will always come on. I think for me, the dedication of entire focus on weight loss and exercise is something I have never fully done. My focus has always been split on other tasks and responsibilities in life. That’s not saying I am 100%, like they are on The Biggest Loser ranch, but my family has lost time with me and many of my mom/wife daily tasks have taken a back burner to that of exercise, calorie counting, and a mind/body overhaul! I think this is what brought on my wall of emotions. That green monster in my head that has always kept me overweight and filled with depression and lack of energy reared it’s ugly head to tell me it wasn’t going away so easily, and I had to find a way to kick it’s butt back against the wall and say “No, I am going to WIN!” Today and every day is a struggle. I struggle with temptation of foods, temptation of doing something other then making it the gym, and temptation of listening to those negative thoughts that find away around my will power. I will conquer my temptations! I will win this battle! I will lose more weight, and will continue to be a healthy, productive person always!

To keep me focused I’m signed up for the Shamrock Run in Portland on March 18 for a 5K run. Not only is this motivating, but I have people running with me – to encourage me and keep me going through the race! Right now, I am running/walking a 5K in about 50 minutes, and am working on getting my time down to 40 minutes, and aiming to make my time in the race 35 minutes! That’s about an 11 minute mile! So, let’s get moving and run!

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